Change your Language, Change the Game

There was a great story this morning on NPR about a psychologist, Dr. James Pennebaker, who studies the power of language. Specifically, the power of function words, such as pronouns.

Using a computer program, Pennebaker can predict patterns related to successful dating, facts about people’s social status, whether they are lying, high-power people, etc.

Pennebaker argues that words reflect subtleties about who we really are. Things that we, ourselves, may not even be conscious of.

So the question is, if we change our language, can we transform ourselves and transform our results?

Pennebaker would argue no, but decades of research in social psychology and communication studies would say, yes.

Here’s an example. In coaching conversations, coaches pay close attention to the words that clients use to describe their situation (e.g., “I really should be making more money.”).

The coach could then respond with any number of questions: Should you? Really? Then what’s stopping you from getting paid more? What are you willing to change in order to earn more? Who says that you should be earning more? Is it that you’re entitled to more or that you simplywantmore?

All these question stemming from one simple language observation about how a person uses the word should and what that word implies or others: Want, need, desire, will, etc.

Bottom line: If you want to change the game for yourself, pay attention to your language and change the words that aren’t serving you well.

Hard Work? Take it One Push-Up at a Time

My best friend, Dr. Joe Fanning, founder of Working to Wellness, sent me a text message last Friday:

“Need to start having a contest with me. First to 100 push-ups a day everyday texts 100 to other. Must do all push-ups other one does. If you miss you owe double.”

Neither contestant texted on Saturday. But on Sunday morning at 8:30 a.m., I had the thrill of texting “100″ to Dr. Joe…Boo-yah!

The push-up is a metaphor for hard work. How do you get hard work done? One push-up at a time. It won’t take as long as you think. It never does. Don’t procrastinate.

As you get stronger,  you can start packaging hard work into sets of 5, 10, 15, or 25 repetitions. That’s how you get hard work done.

Coaching: The Product is in the Process

Everyday Americans spend millions of dollars on products that they think will bring them happiness and health. Px90, the Belly Burner, the Original Quickchop, the Trendy Top, Eggies, the Fat Magnet, and the list goes on. You’ve seen the commercials…but wait, there’s more!

These products are short-lived substitutes for true happiness and well-being, and acquiring them requires very little effort…usually a Visa or MasterCard will suffice.

These products sell because they promise quick results: health, beauty, confidence. But no matter how many of these products that one seeks, they won’t deliver the results that most of us truly desire.

It’s a sad state of affairs, but the majority of Americans would rather spend three payments of $29.99 on a product that won’t bring them happiness, than on a process that will. Why? Because vital, generative processes like coaching require effort, brutal honesty with one’s self, intentionality, and commitment. Concepts that send most people running for their Snuggie!

Unlike “cure-all” products, vital processes like coaching help you produce the things you really want out of life: a better career, more effective relationships, self-mastery, improved health, an enjoyable social life, and sustainable overall well-being.

But buyer beware: processes like coaching don’t come in a neat little package with a 30-day money back guarantee. Although there usually is no fee for shipping and handling.

Commitment to a coaching process is an investment in becoming your best self. You are the product that emerges out of the coaching process.

Through learning, expanding your self-awareness, tapping your inner wisdom and deeply rooted desire to flourish, you become the “product” that so many seek through external means. Then and only then can you truly appreciate the fact that the product is in the process.

A Model is Worth 1000 Words

“All models are wrong, some are useful” –George E.P. Box

Models are simplified representations of complex things. They consist of parts, elements of parts, relationships between parts, and a logic based on those relationships.

Building models is both a science and an art. Before you start building models of complex processes at work, try creating a model of something simple like brushing your teeth or doing laundry.

What are the parts? What elements of those parts influence the process? What are the relationships between the parts? What is the logic of the model (i.e., what are the assumptions that make the model work?)

I’ll be writing more about models as it relates to positive work in the upcoming weeks. I’m currently taking a free online course called Model Thinking  with other 45,000 students. The course is taught by Scott Page, Professor of Complex Systems at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

 

Fortitude: Try that on for a ‘word of the day’

Fortitude: Mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

What would help you build fortitude?

How to Find Your Voice (and Why it Matters)

Voice is a theme that is near and dear to my heart. As a musician, writer, and life-long student of human communication, I’m continually amazed at how much people take for granted the value of finding one’s voice.

If you consume any national news today, you’ll notice political pundits commenting on the topic of voice in relation to Mitt Romney’s, “My father used to sell paint because he believed in America,” speech following the Colorado caucuses. This speech is being heralded as a defining moment of voice for this republican hopeful.

So, what is the value of finding one’s voice? 

The value in the Romney case, could mean the perception of presidential electability and, ultimately, the difference between being on the ballot in November or not.

For you and me, finding voice means knowing what we stand for. Understanding our deepest passions and personal vision. Building deeper, more trusting relationships. Discovering these desires helps us devise a plan for achieving our personal and professional goals.

Voice is characterized by a sense of authenticity, congruence, and genuine caring. Finding our voice allows us to live a life that is consistent with our true desires and values.

How do you find your voice?

Your voice isn’t hidden. Although some of us try to disguise our voice with what we think people want to hear from us. Some of us even do a good job of convincing ourselves that what (we think) others want to hear is actually what we want.

If you’ve been looking for your voice (or are considering a positive change in your voice) try the following exercise on for size:

1. Start by making a list: What do you want out of your job? Your relationships? Your community?

2. How would you share these desires with your most trusted friend, if they gave you their complete undivided attention?

3. Practice expressing your voice by saying what you really want out loud. Go ahead. While you’re driving. While you’re getting ready in the morning. Practice expressing who you are, what you stand for, and what you want.

4. Now “Go Live.” Share your voice. Speak up. Ask for help. Take action. See what happens.

How Positive Work Can Make You Rich

I use the phrase positive work as shorthand to refer to a system of thinking, being, and doing. This system or philosophy can be easily be misconstrued as “feel good” medicine to improve relationships and the workplace. For some it is just that (and is much-needed at that).

Let me challenge this notion about positivity being simply a feel good ethos for leaders, consultants, and coaches. At it’s core positive work is about creating results, which translate into riches. It’s up to you, as well as your clients, customers, team, and/or patients, to decide what those riches are (e.g., better health, higher performance, increased revenue, improve relationships, “Wow experiences,” etc.). Positive work characterizes the journey one makes in becoming rich in mind, body, spirit, and material wealth.

This morning I read an article by Grant Cardone entitled, The Seven Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires. The “secrets” aren’t really secrets at all, they are subtle shifts in habit of mind, heart, and personal behavior. The shift involves a positive turn in thinking, from poverty to abundance, and from negative language (spending) to positive language (investing), etc.

Practicing positive work on your self, first, is the first step toward reaping the riches you desire.

These so-called secrets echo the work of Napoleon Hill, another positive thinker, who spent 25 years studying the behaviors of more than 500 wealthy people. He came to the same conclusions: Desire, emotion, motivation, hoping, dreaming, self-confidence, affirmation, habit, visualization, and, yes, LOVE are the essential elements of growing rich. This IS also the STUFF of positive work, and mastering these activities are the journey!

Mastering these habits is at the core of positive work. Very few who grow rich embark on this journey alone. They have partners, coaches, mentors, “master minds,” circles of influence, and so on. Who are your partners on this journey? How far into your positive work are you? How might your results change if you invested in mastering positive work–for yourself? your team? your organization? What riches would you be reaping if you had no barriers in front of you?

When People Steal from You, Try Gratitude

I got a late start today because as I left for work, I discovered that during the night someone had broken into my car (okay, I left the door unlocked) and stole some change and my bluetooth earpiece.

This made me angry, really angry. I didn’t feel positive at all. I felt genuinely pissed.

Throughout the day I found myself returning to the same questions: Why didn’t I lock my car? Why I didn’t I take my bluetooth inside after getting home from the gym (I had a funny feeling about leaving it in my car)? How could someone have the nerve to walk up my driveway and open my car door while it was sitting in my garage? What would I have liked to have done to those punks if I could have caught them in the act?

These questions didn’t seem to get me anywhere.

So, as the day progressed, I consciously tried using gratitude as a means of moving on. Guess what? It worked. Instead of blaming myself and the punks who broke into my car, I made statements of appreciation:

–Thank God I didn’t leave my computer in the car;

–I’m lucky that it wasn’t my house that got broken into;

–I’m thankful that I don’t have to steal to get by;

–I’m grateful that I can easily go buy a new bluetooth (and a better one at that…my BlueAnt model was a piece);

–I’m thankful that my wife’s car was locked (I learned that that’s enough to deter these punks);

–Hey, this will give me an opportunity to install a sweet motion detector lighting system on the garage  (I have money for that too!)

…And on it went.

The result: My anger began to fade. I started to get excited about new projects to secure our home.  And I even felt a little sorry for the punks.

When you’ve been wronged, an “eye for an eye” might satisfy immediate impulses. However, gratitude has the power to help you discover more productive and more effective long-term solutions.

 

 

 

What can Winne the Pooh Teach us About Leadership?

REPOSTED FROM www.barenakedcommunication.com, April, 2010. I just like this post, so I thought I’d share it on this frigid Michigan Monday.

I just finished The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. If you havn’t read this classic, I highly recommend it.

The book teaches Taoist principles through the story of The House at Pooh Corner. Hoff concludes by writing,

“Within each of us there is an Owl, a Rabbit, an Eeyore, and a Pooh. For too long, we have chosen the way of Owl and Rabbit. Now, like Eeyore, we complain about the results. But that accomplishes nothing. If we are smart, we will choose the way of Pooh. As if from far away, it calls to us with the voice of a child’s mind. It may be hard to hear at times, but it is important just the same, because without it, we will never find our way through the Forest.”

Leading others can feel like being lost in a forest full of snares, obstacles, and challenges. Conventional thinking teaches that to survive we must be knowledgeable (like Owl), cunning (like Rabbit), and fearless (like Tigger). But these approaches often fail or, at best, promote mediocre results. When this happens we complain, blame, and become deeply unsatisfied perpetuating negativity (like Eeyore). What a drag!

Thankfully, there is another way to lead, which involves building a positive relationship with yourself and with your followers. The Pooh Way embodies many of the principles of positive leadership, which are well-supported by scientific data.

• The Pooh Way teaches us to be appreciative, embrace change, and recognize the good in people (especially if they come bearing jars of honey).

• The Pooh Way teaches us to be who we are. You can’t be the best you if you are busy trying to be an Owl or a Rabbit. Just do who you are, believe in yourself, and others will follow.

• The Pooh Way teaches us to work with situations rather than against them. Listen to your intuition. Get a feel for the situation. Trust your instincts—these are the things that good leaders do.

• The Pooh Way teaches us that success is defined less by fighting and winning and more by learning and growing. True growth and development involves changing inside and adapting, which hard-headed go-getters (Rabbits) and false sages (Owls) are reluctant to do for fear of appearing weak.

• The Pooh Way teaches us to recognize our value and use it. Pessimists play it safe and don’t take risks because they don’t have confidence in their ability to change the situation around them. The Pooh Way teaches us to believe in ourselves and take action without fear of failure.

The Pooh metaphor might seem overdone, but the principles and science behind the story are time tested and empirically valid. If you’re lost in the forest, consider seeking a trusted partner, coach, or mentor.

A Single Step (and every one thereafter)

Lao Tzu, the 6th Century BC Chinese Sage, is quoted as having said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Positive change, be it in your personal life, team, or organization, can feel like a journey of a thousand miles–and sometimes feels like many more! All positive change is a journey, but changing mindset and behavior can sometimes feel like a really looooonnnngggg one that has no end in sight. In fact, this journey may not have an end.

As the “Old Master’s” wisdom teaches, the journey of positive change begins with a single step. A single action. Maybe a single conversation.

But what happens after you take the first step toward positively transforming yourself and others? What compels you take take the second step? And then then third? And the next after that?

Anyone can take a single step toward positive change. This might look like a single visit or a week’s worth of going to the gym. A month of eating well. A semester of disciplined study. And, as many working toward personal mastery will attest, the steps following the first one are often the hardest take.

These are the steps after the journey has begun–the steps thereafter. These steps encompass the real “stuff” of positive change:

Discipline, commitment, desire, purpose, inner strength, and will. These characteristics do not boil down to personal motivation; at their core is love of self and love of others. Love helps one push through the blisters of each step, the set backs, and the uncertainty of progress made.

Every step on a journey of a thousand miles requires love.